Helpful Useless Information
Stuff I Learned In My Comedy Career Part 2
Stay healthy and stay out of the hospital because patient stays are getting shorter and shorter. In fact, maternity ward nurses say that new moms aren’t in the hospital long enough to learn how to breastfeed properly. Tell me about it. . . the women usually don’t get the hang of it until they’re sitting next to me on an airplane! If you go to a new hospital though, architects are now designing them so that the patient’s window faces a garden because they say it makes the patient get well faster. Hey, if they want the patient to get well faster, why don’t they make the windows face a cemetery?? But make sure you pay your hospital bill because there are collection agencies for hospitals. How’s that work? If you don’t pay up, we’ll break your legs. . . again. I keynote at a lot of health care events!
Hospital stays can rack up debt, which means you might contact a credit counseling agency where the average credit card debt is $38,000. So “revolving credit” is the real reason why that toaster I bought with my Visa cost me $500. Of course the only thing more expensive than a $500 toaster is a parking ticket. A good meter maid can write out 900 tickets in one month! And by the way, they hate the title “meter maid”; they prefer “parking citation officer.” So don’t call ‘em a meter maid unless you’ve already got the ticket and you want to give them one parting shot! Yes, I did comedy for the parking association – don’t hate me!
To pay for that ticket you can make some money selling cookware. The big money in cookware is selling those specialty cake pans for kid’s birthday cakes; You know, the ones shaped like footballs, basketballs, and soccer balls. So kids are eating cake in the shape of all the sports they should be playing instead of eating cake. And when it comes to eating, you should know that if your cereal tastes funny, it might be because wood is used in many food products, including cereals and imitation bacon. Finally the ingredients of Grape Nuts are revealed! And speaking of wood, 40-50% of it is made up of a compound called “cellulose.” Of course I always thought having “cellulose” was the reason I don’t wear a bathing suit.
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Eating Wild - Laughing At Dinner on the Serengeti
Caught-in-a-Wood-Chipper-Keynote Speaking at its Best
Perfecting Nothing - Sticking to Comedy and Humor Keynotes is not Enough
Cats Versus Dogs - a comedian's take
The SANDY Rules - Keynoting at Commencement
Watching the Nutcraker Ballet 22 Times
My Dog Corpuscle - A Funny Name Foreshadowing My Future as a Keynote Speaker
Friending Your Friends - Or the Funny Thing About Friends
You Want Me to Perform Where? Comedy in Strange Situations an excerpt from my book convention Comedian Stories and Wisdom From Two Decades of Chicken Dinner
Too Sane for Fame - A Comedian's Dilemma
Looping Through Life - A Comedian's Observations
Stripper Clothing - Laughing at Labels
How I launched my comedy career because of $39 bucks - Listening to Your Inner Voice
Helpful Useless Information - Stuff I learned in My Comedy Career
The Inconvenience of Convenience - It's Kinda Funny
Comedy Wisdom - Comedy Advice I’ve Learned The Hard Way
Communicating in a Perfect World - A Comedian’s Take On Communications