Helpful Useless Information
Stuff I Learned In My Comedy Career
–By Jan McInnis, Comedian and Keynote Speaker
Some things are COMEDY GOLD! Did you know there’s a whole industry devoted to tearing down old airplanes? How do you tear down a plane? Fly a bunch of cranky 3-year-olds around for a couple hours until they kick in all the seats? JOKING. Because I keynote at conferences in all sorts of industries, I learn a lot of weird (some might call it “useless”) information about those industries without having to work in them. All of this learning is great because it makes my job more interesting and “they” tell us that our brains will turn to JELL-O if we don’t keep ‘em working. Also, some of the stuff I learn is useful. . .sort of:
For example, if you were thinking of running a vending business, the soda and snack vending machines that make the most money are located in prisons! Of course prisoners have money: they don’t have to pay for cable TV and health insurance! Learned from my keynote for the National Association of Blind Merchants.
And if you find yourself in jail, make sure you get arrested in Kansas because you might just get to train a seeing-eye dog if you land in the Topeka women’s prison (sorry, guys). The prisoners probably teach the dogs all sorts of useful things like how to sit, roll over. . . and fetch the guard’s keys. People in trouble with the law can still be successful. The real John Deere moved from the east to Illinois to start his farm equipment company because he owed the government some money. Hey, if you’re running from the law, don’t you think you’d invent something faster than a tractor? I did a comedy show for, you guessed it, the good people at John Deere!
If you’re throwing a party this year and run out of booze, tap into your gas tank. They’re now making fuel out of corn liquor! I’m not sure if it’s really drinkable, but it will get your guests to leave on time. You might also notice that your gas smells faintly like McDonald’s…that’s because they’re also making gas out of french fry grease! Yes, we’re putting french fry grease into cars! And you thought the SUVs were big now—just wait until we start feeding ‘em that! Okay, that’s not fair. We blame our bad health on fast food, and yes, Ray Kroc, the founder of McDonald’s, actually did have diabetes. But the weird thing is, he had it before he invented the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
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Helpful Useless Information - Stuff I learned in My Comedy Career
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