–By Jan McInnis, Comedian and Keynote Speaker

In my humor keynotes, I share my expertise on humor (of course), change, communications, and all sorts of things. But I am NOT an expert on animals! But that doesn’t stop this comedian from trying.

I recently rescued Figphyllis, a cute little Shih Tzu dog mix, about a block away from a busy street.  The street was called Figueroa, so I named her “Fig” but that didn’t really fit. Then I called her “Phyllis” (after comedian Phyllis Diller) but I didn’t like that either, so it morphed into “Figphyllis” – a match! After five days, I found Fig Phyllis’s owner. . . who lived a block away from that busy street. Turns out I “rescued” Figphyllis from her driveway. Rescue/Kidnap. . . my intentions were good, anyway. A funny story, but sadly true! I liked Figphyllis so much that I rescued another dog—this time from the animal shelter just to make sure the dog really needed rescuing. That’s how Dalila arrived in my life! Full disclosure: I am a cat person. I don’t know anything about dogs, including how to spell Dahlilia’s name (Figphyllis was easier!). The learning curve is steep, but now that I’m a “duel-species owner” (a term I just now made up – comedians are good at making stuff up), I’ve been trying to figure out which side of the dog-versus-cat coin I’m on. Here’s what I’ve learned: Dogs sleep just as much as cats, but because they are so happy to see you when you get home your conferences and meetings, with all their jumping and tail wagging and panting, it just appears that they are more active. They have fooled us all. Score one for the dogs. I used to care if my neighbors saw me in my nightshirt with uncombed hair, flip flops and worn out sweatpants. But now, when the dog has to go to the bathroom at 4 a.m., (and I haven’t quite fixed the gate on my yard), I really don’t care if photographers from the Enquirer are outside. I grab the nearest piece of clothing and head out. Cats handle their bathroom needs privately. Score a BIG one for the cats. Which brings me to my next revelation: dogs don’t inherently know where to go to the bathroom. I bought some of those blue “pee pads” so the dog would go in the house when I’m gone. So far the only one using them is ME. It’s not what you think. . . I step from pad to pad to avoid the surprise wet areas on the floor. Cats were practically birthed in the litter box. Score one for the cats. Dogs are great conversation pieces though. At my last party, since adopting Dalalhia, much of me and my friends’ conversation revolved around stories about our dogs eating the garbage, what our breed likes to do, and how we adopted our dogs (I play down the whole “it started with kidnapping Figphyllis” thing). Conversations about cats are limited to “I’ve got a cat.” “Me too.” Rarely do we even discuss the color or “breed.” Score one for the dogs. Cats have pride. They will claw your eyes out before they let you put a Halloween costume on them . . . ask me how I know this. Dogs will let you do it, sort of. Delalila was not thrilled with the baby seal outfit I bought her.  . . I ended up turning her into a horse complete with Barbie doll rider. She was better with that. . .it lasted 10 minutes. So I’d have to say it’s a draw on Halloween costumes. The only species that really likes them is little human kids or adults trying to be funny. So what’s the verdict? Am I a cat person who loves dogs or a dog person who loves cats? Maybe I’m both: a DAT Person? (Dog-cat = DAT. Another term I just made up.) I’m not sure as I’m still doing “research” as we speak (while writing this article, I’ve gotten up twice to walk the dog. . . and while I was gone the cat scratched up my favorite chair). I guess you just get attached to whatever animal stumbles into your life. . . which probably means I’ll never be a hermit crab person. But if you do decide to choose a species, I encourage you to adopt from a shelter if you can . . . it gets the animal out of the shelter AND keeps you out of trouble. Ask me how I know this. About the author. . . keynote speaker and comedian Jan McInnis has shared her customized humor keynotes with thousands of associations and corporations. She is also the author of “Finding the Funny FAST; How To Create Quick Humor To Connect With Clients, Coworkers And Crowds,” and “Convention Comedian: Stories and Wisdom From Two Decades of Chicken Dinners and Comedy Clubs.” Quote from a recent client: “Jan’s recommendations on including humor in communications were a real “duh!” moment for me – of course that would help ease tension! I found myself analyzing every other session at our conference for ways to increase buy-in through using humor. I belly-laughed through Jan’s performance, and internalized her easy methods for communicating with humor, too – can’t wait to try them out.”