–By Jan McInnis, Comedian and Keynote Speaker
This is no joke. . .Can you eat 73 hot dogs WITH buns in ten minutes? Do you even want to? Well, if you did, that would make you the hot dog eating champ. I’d rather be a comedian! Or maybe you’d prefer 205 Buffalo wings in 12 minutes, 85 Moon Pies in 8 minutes, or 2.25 gallons of chili in 6 minutes? These are the stats of “winners” of real eating competitions (or maybe Tums is the real winner). These eating competitions are not only funny, but they’ve gotten to be HUGE and there’s now a whole sport of competitive eating where the winner gobbles down large quantities of food in short periods of time. Check out www.MajorLeagueEating.com for these results and more.
Why are we eating so much so fast? Are we trying to make food more fun? And who dates these competitive eaters? That would be way too expensive. “Er, so you’re a competitive eater? Can we skip dinner and just go to a movie?” Otherwise dinner lasts 7 minutes, and the bill is $800 dollars. I’m joking. . .kind of.
Maybe instead of increasing the speed and quantity of food, we should make food more interesting by taking a cue from wild animals.
I got to check out the wild animal way of “grocery shopping” and dining on my recent bucket list trip to Africa, where I went on a five-day safari on the Serengeti. Finding the food there is a challenge and the clean-up afterwards is ugly. . . trust me, after gorging on a wildebeest entree, a lioness does not look her best.
Along with learning some animal eating facts and watching their food rituals, figuring out who eats who became kind of an obsession with me on this trip. Here’s some scoop on REAL COMPETITIVE EATING:
- The tastiest animal is: THE ZEBRA!! I haven’t eaten one, but just about every animal on the
Serengeti has, so maybe we should give it a try? Ok, it doesn’t sound tasty to me either.
- After a kill, lionesses and lions eat so much that they have to lie down for days, wherever they
are – their idea of eat, drop and roll. I have to agree with them. I could not eat a whole giraffe in one sitting myself and function for the next month!
- Leopards kill their prey and then drag it up in a tree for feasting. I guess this is the animal version
of carry-out, but without that awkward moment you have when you’re filling out the credit card
slip and there’s a place for a tip. You wonder why, because you went to the restaurant, ordered
the food, picked it up from the cashier, and brought it home to your own table. Should I tip for
table service when I didn’t get served? But I digress.
- Hippos and crocodiles hang out together and are “best friends” according to our guide, except
occasionally a croc forgets about the friendship and eats a baby hippo. That is awkward! Who
among us would leave their kid with a babysitter if there was a 20% chance the babysitter would
eat them? Maybe this might sound attractive during the teen years, but . . .
- Monkeys eat Odwalla bars, or at least the one who swung from the tree into our truck and grabbed the banana Odwalla bar from my backpack does. Unfortunately, I was screaming too much to get a picture. That was just freaky.
Yes, of course I might be in better shape if I had to actually do something challenging for my food. Chasing down a bag of chips that’s running from you, wrestling it to the ground, choking the life out of it, and then eating it in 20 seconds before your neighbor comes along and kills you for it – well, let’s just say it would cut down on my snacking! But thankfully foraging through the fridge past expired milk cartons and stale hummus is about as adventurous as I have to get.
So let’s skip eating 19 pounds, 6 ounces of pumpkin pie in 8 minutes, and instead, may this be the year that we eat slower, choose our food wisely, share a little with our neighbor, and appreciate the ease with which many of us obtain it.
About the Author – Jan McInnis has shared her customized humor keynotes with thousands of associations and corporations, and she is the author of 2 books: “Convention Comedian” and “Finding the Funny Fast.” She is a comedian, keynote speaker and comedy writer who was also featured in the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Post, and the Huffington Post.
From a Recent Client: “Your talk was GREAT. It had humor and a “purpose.” Useful information with a “twist.” It was a wonderful way to start the second day of the conference. And people were talking about it afterward!! That’s the best part…making for more conversation later. Thanks so much, and very nice meeting you.” BABY BOOMER COMEDY SHOW: Jan co-stars with Kent Rader in this hilarious clean comedy show. Check out their schedule and book them for your event at BabyBoomerComedyShow.com
