I’m interested in murder. . . on TV. Real-life murder shows like “Forensic Files” intrigue me. I love the cool science, I’m fascinated by the detectives outsmarting the criminals, and my heart goes out to the courageous families who talk about it and work to bring justice for their loved ones. If I wasn’t a keynote speaker and comedian, I’d be a detective. . . as long as I could solve the case in 30 minutes (I don’t have a lot of patience).
The last few months on the road, I’ve binge-watched everything from “Forensic Files” to Joe Kenda’s “Homicide Hunter,” “Wives with Knives,” and more, and I’ve found a few lessons that can translate into life and business. Okay, hear me out . . .
ONE: The biggest killer of people isn’t disease or accidents: it’s life insurance policies! We’ve all thought about murdering our spouse or partner, usually when there’s snoring involved and the payday is a good night’s sleep. But some people who actually murder are looking for million-dollar insurance paydays. LESSON: With the right incentive, people will do most anything. Remember that when rewarding employees and find out what makes THEM happy. My recent Lyft driver said he left his last company, as manager of a call center, because the rewards were things like a keychain and a water bottle. His prior company had given him a paid day off, which he appreciated much more. But a trinket for busting your butt, especially at a call center? Nope. He’d rather drive strangers to the airport.
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TWO: If you’re having issues with your spouse, don’t go hunting with them or there WILL be an accidental shooting.
LESSON: If you’re having issues with someone at work, make sure a third party is around when you have to deal with them to soften the interaction. I once sat in a timeshare sales session at a resort (THAT’S another story) and the saleswoman said, “You don’t need to bring your friends.” I said, “Are you kidding? I want witnesses!” Plus, I knew my friends would calm me down if I started to lose my patience.
THREE: Your pets CAN get you arrested. Yes, cat and dog fur left on victims has been traced back to the pet owner. LESSON: The details that you pay the least attention to are the ones that will cause you the most grief. Should you skip that sound check? Maybe not, because this sound system might be slightly different than the last thousand ones you’ve tested. Should you really re-read an email again before blasting it out to clients? Do it. I almost sent one to a recent client saying, “I hope you have not had a chance to relax since the event.” Oops! I changed “not” to “now.”
FOUR: Your conscience will bring you down. Good detectives can put a guilt trip on criminals that makes even the seasoned ones break. Detective Joe Kenda’s shaming line: “You know you’re lying, and I know you’re lying.” LESSON: It’s hard to get away with something because your brain keeps score. Early in my career I performed in Canada and was paid in Canadian money. I exchanged the money at a bank inside a Michigan Meijer store, and the young teller gave me too much back. (Her math was even worse than mine!) I realized her mistake and walked around the store for 20 minutes thinking how badly I needed this extra cash, but I brought it back. As I walked up, I saw her standing in front of her boss crying. She was being reamed out and the extra money was probably coming out of her pocket—the look of relief on her face when she saw me was priceless.
FIVE: Cops know what a crime scene looks like better than most criminals because they’ve seen a lot. If you’ve murdered your spouse, it’s probably your first rodeo, so your coverup might not be so convincing. LESSON: Listen to people with experience. We experienced folks have fantastic insights that you can’t get in a book and great lessons from situations that young people likely haven’t faced yet. Learn from us!
BONUS: Antifreeze, a historically popular method of spouse-murdering, used to be tasteless, but now it has a flavor to it so you can’t slip it into a drink unnoticed. Just giving you a heads up so I don’t see my friends on “Forensic Files”!
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